Time and Self

There's an old song that comes on the oldies radio stations fairly often called Time in a Bottle. I don't know if Jim Croce wrote it or not, but he sings the only version I know of. It's really a love song, and I like it as a love song. But a particular part of it struck me differently the other day as I was driving around town (probably during Ava's preschool time, judging from the fact that I was playing the radio rather than Ava's beloved silly songs tape). The beginning of the chorus says:

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them

I heard those words that day in a different context than the love song written around them. I identified. Now that I've finally figured out some things I really want to do, some activities that I really want to invest myself in regularly, there never seems to be enough time to devote to them. I firmly believe that I will enjoy scrapbooking once I get over the start hump and find time to do it routinely. I have tried scrapping with friends, and that only gets me a little ways because I don't have a plan. I'm unprepared. I haven't built up a supply base. Etc. It's always something. I really enjoy the social time, and I always learn something from everyone else's ideas, but it's still just one night a month with maybe a couple other nights with a different friend mixed in. That doesn't cut it! It's not enjoyable that way. I just makes me crazy that I can't sit down every day or two and do a little bit. I want to work on Ava's book regularly to get up to date. So far there's nothing but a blog, which is admittedly something. At least there's that.

...which brings me to another thing I want to spend more time doing--my blogs. I enjoy writing, and I wish I had a regular time to sit down and do it, even if it's just a blog entry. I enjoy that type of writing...just conversational, no need to follow the rules. I like reflecting on my life or things that I think or opinions I have. I like putting them into words, or expressing my feelings, even if they are about weird things like displayed taxidermy or Barry Manilow. It's fun. And I don't really care if no one is reading. It makes me notice Me. I get to say what I want to say and not worry about whether or not it was an inappropriate time for my opinion. It's a blog. That's the nature of blogs, and people should know that going into it if they choose to read them.

I want to read! I have finally put enough years between me and high school reading requirements, and I actually want to read for pleasure. I even joined the bookclub my fellow mom-friends hold each month. It still take a little bit of push for me to read the "assigned" book for the month, sheerly because it's been assigned, but I enjoy talking about the book in a group instead of only experiencing it myself and that's the end of it. It's fun to banter about things that happened in the storyline or parts that we thought were stupid or disjointed. I'm glad I am doing bookclub this year because it will force me to set aside time for reading. Sometimes it's frustrating because what I really want to read is a scrapbooking magazine, and there's just not time to read everything I want to read. But I know it will be worth it.

Exercise is another thing I want to work into my life routinely. Routinely. Not sometimes. Not at the beginning of the semester before the life current sweeps me off course after a few weeks. Regularly. I want to be healthy for my whole life. I want to feel good and young even when I'm older. And I firmly believe that unless you just happen to have been blessed with fantastic genes, then you have to work on your whole-body health regularly, or you might as well not complain or act like you don't know what happened to you when you look at the scale with displeasure at age 40, only to see that it's worse at age 50 and so on... And I feel that I, even at age 29, and headed straight for that scenario because I do not routinely take good care of my physical needs. I eat a reasonably healthy diet, but until recently I have done nothing to regularly exercise my body (except while pregnant, thanks to my faithful walking buddy Ginger).

My miscarriage in July really stirred a lot of things deep down inside me. Life is happening NOW. It's not slowing down. There's no "tomorrow" forever. I can't always count on getting fit "later." Ava is growing up so fast; I can't just let this time of her development slip away without doing the one-on-one enrichment activities I plan for us to do together while I still have her at home with me. I spent a good part of her summer NOT doing those things with her because my pregnancy had me so wiped out. She changed a lot over that short amount of time. And I'm not saying I blame myself or feel particularly guilty (our bodies do have limits), but it did make evident how fleeting her smallness is, how much I will miss her being like this even if I do spend as much time with her as I can. I can't afford to spend my days telling her "maybe later" and expect myself to look back on her young years without regret. That's as foolish as always eating fast food, never exercising or drinking water, and expecting that you are exempt from the body fat and wrinkles that will certainly catch up with you.

I may not have known my second child, but having that child in my life, even for such a brief period, changed me. I am malleable. I can change for the better. I can learn to live with less fear. I can spend more quality time with my child(ren). I can take care better of my body. And maybe I can even figure out how to work in my hobbies for personal enjoyment eventually, too. I haven't quite figured it out yet. The only moms I have ever heard of who can do it all have nannies raising their kids so they can spend the day working out and shopping. While it would be nice to have fitness that high on my to-do list every day, I wouldn't trade my chaotic life, just as it is, pending body fat and all, if it meant someone else raised my kids. No thanks.

It is disappointing that there never seems to be enough time to do the things you feel are worth your life investment once you figure out what they are, but I'm sure in time I'll learn to work them in a little at a time. This semester, I attempted to take a swimming class for terrified adults (it was unfortunately full) in an effort to overcome a major fear that I don't want to pass on to my children. I joined the bookclub to get me reading regularly again, even if it's just one book a month. I joined a scrapbooking group to get me fiddling with my ideas. I hope it will at least motivate me to move forward in that endeavor. I teamed up with a new fitness buddy in an effort to get fit (or at least make an effort to that end); I'll be satisfied if I just learn to do physical activity routinely...so that fitness can come over time. We joined our church here. I am excited about the opportunities for spiritual growth that might present. I try to spend designated quality time in play or art activity with Ava at least a few times a week. I am trying. I am making the best effort I can to allow positive change in all the areas of my holistic self. Trying is work sometimes. A labor of loving myself for a change. I deserve to be a better Me. I can be a better Me.