Time and Self

There's an old song that comes on the oldies radio stations fairly often called Time in a Bottle. I don't know if Jim Croce wrote it or not, but he sings the only version I know of. It's really a love song, and I like it as a love song. But a particular part of it struck me differently the other day as I was driving around town (probably during Ava's preschool time, judging from the fact that I was playing the radio rather than Ava's beloved silly songs tape). The beginning of the chorus says:

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them

I heard those words that day in a different context than the love song written around them. I identified. Now that I've finally figured out some things I really want to do, some activities that I really want to invest myself in regularly, there never seems to be enough time to devote to them. I firmly believe that I will enjoy scrapbooking once I get over the start hump and find time to do it routinely. I have tried scrapping with friends, and that only gets me a little ways because I don't have a plan. I'm unprepared. I haven't built up a supply base. Etc. It's always something. I really enjoy the social time, and I always learn something from everyone else's ideas, but it's still just one night a month with maybe a couple other nights with a different friend mixed in. That doesn't cut it! It's not enjoyable that way. I just makes me crazy that I can't sit down every day or two and do a little bit. I want to work on Ava's book regularly to get up to date. So far there's nothing but a blog, which is admittedly something. At least there's that.

...which brings me to another thing I want to spend more time doing--my blogs. I enjoy writing, and I wish I had a regular time to sit down and do it, even if it's just a blog entry. I enjoy that type of writing...just conversational, no need to follow the rules. I like reflecting on my life or things that I think or opinions I have. I like putting them into words, or expressing my feelings, even if they are about weird things like displayed taxidermy or Barry Manilow. It's fun. And I don't really care if no one is reading. It makes me notice Me. I get to say what I want to say and not worry about whether or not it was an inappropriate time for my opinion. It's a blog. That's the nature of blogs, and people should know that going into it if they choose to read them.

I want to read! I have finally put enough years between me and high school reading requirements, and I actually want to read for pleasure. I even joined the bookclub my fellow mom-friends hold each month. It still take a little bit of push for me to read the "assigned" book for the month, sheerly because it's been assigned, but I enjoy talking about the book in a group instead of only experiencing it myself and that's the end of it. It's fun to banter about things that happened in the storyline or parts that we thought were stupid or disjointed. I'm glad I am doing bookclub this year because it will force me to set aside time for reading. Sometimes it's frustrating because what I really want to read is a scrapbooking magazine, and there's just not time to read everything I want to read. But I know it will be worth it.

Exercise is another thing I want to work into my life routinely. Routinely. Not sometimes. Not at the beginning of the semester before the life current sweeps me off course after a few weeks. Regularly. I want to be healthy for my whole life. I want to feel good and young even when I'm older. And I firmly believe that unless you just happen to have been blessed with fantastic genes, then you have to work on your whole-body health regularly, or you might as well not complain or act like you don't know what happened to you when you look at the scale with displeasure at age 40, only to see that it's worse at age 50 and so on... And I feel that I, even at age 29, and headed straight for that scenario because I do not routinely take good care of my physical needs. I eat a reasonably healthy diet, but until recently I have done nothing to regularly exercise my body (except while pregnant, thanks to my faithful walking buddy Ginger).

My miscarriage in July really stirred a lot of things deep down inside me. Life is happening NOW. It's not slowing down. There's no "tomorrow" forever. I can't always count on getting fit "later." Ava is growing up so fast; I can't just let this time of her development slip away without doing the one-on-one enrichment activities I plan for us to do together while I still have her at home with me. I spent a good part of her summer NOT doing those things with her because my pregnancy had me so wiped out. She changed a lot over that short amount of time. And I'm not saying I blame myself or feel particularly guilty (our bodies do have limits), but it did make evident how fleeting her smallness is, how much I will miss her being like this even if I do spend as much time with her as I can. I can't afford to spend my days telling her "maybe later" and expect myself to look back on her young years without regret. That's as foolish as always eating fast food, never exercising or drinking water, and expecting that you are exempt from the body fat and wrinkles that will certainly catch up with you.

I may not have known my second child, but having that child in my life, even for such a brief period, changed me. I am malleable. I can change for the better. I can learn to live with less fear. I can spend more quality time with my child(ren). I can take care better of my body. And maybe I can even figure out how to work in my hobbies for personal enjoyment eventually, too. I haven't quite figured it out yet. The only moms I have ever heard of who can do it all have nannies raising their kids so they can spend the day working out and shopping. While it would be nice to have fitness that high on my to-do list every day, I wouldn't trade my chaotic life, just as it is, pending body fat and all, if it meant someone else raised my kids. No thanks.

It is disappointing that there never seems to be enough time to do the things you feel are worth your life investment once you figure out what they are, but I'm sure in time I'll learn to work them in a little at a time. This semester, I attempted to take a swimming class for terrified adults (it was unfortunately full) in an effort to overcome a major fear that I don't want to pass on to my children. I joined the bookclub to get me reading regularly again, even if it's just one book a month. I joined a scrapbooking group to get me fiddling with my ideas. I hope it will at least motivate me to move forward in that endeavor. I teamed up with a new fitness buddy in an effort to get fit (or at least make an effort to that end); I'll be satisfied if I just learn to do physical activity routinely...so that fitness can come over time. We joined our church here. I am excited about the opportunities for spiritual growth that might present. I try to spend designated quality time in play or art activity with Ava at least a few times a week. I am trying. I am making the best effort I can to allow positive change in all the areas of my holistic self. Trying is work sometimes. A labor of loving myself for a change. I deserve to be a better Me. I can be a better Me.

Welcome, Autumn!

Last year to watch "my" tree turn golden orange...

"Spanish School"

Only two years ago at this time, I would have spent the morning hours nursing and dressing my baby and later standing at a local park, Ava perched on my hip, attempting to have a coherent conversation with other moms who had to keep running off to see after their "big kids." Now I have a "big kid." Tomorrow the morning with go something a little more like this:

Ava will wake up around 7AM and let us know she's awake and she's going to use the potty now. She may even take off her pull-up and ask for panties, and that will lead to dressing to the shoes since we'll be in a hurry later. Then, she will request that I get her a snack of Clifford Crunch or Dora Stars cereal...or raisins...and "fix her a show." We will all eat breakfast around 8:00, after which time we will all go "brush the SugarBugs off" and fix hair. I'm sure there will be an annoying photo shoot in there somewhere, and we will rush off to take Daddy to the law school. Next thing you know, I'll be holding the hand of my "big kid" as we look both ways to cross the parking lot and enter her preschool, where joyful faces will spout off all kinds of happy welcomes in languages I don't even understand.

PRESCHOOL. Already? When Ava was my baby, I never anticipated putting her in preschool this soon. I feel like I have taken her years for granted. I should spend more quality time on the floor playing with her when she asks me to. I should work in all those great activities I purchase and/or plan more often. She is growing up so fast. Right now I get a pass. She's only going to school two mornings a week, so it's not like all my time with her is gone...for now. But these almost-three years have gone by so fast, and before I know it, she'll be in preschool every morning, and I'll only have the afternoons with her. And then I'll turn around twice and suddenly it will be time for all-day kindergarten!

I really didn't think Ava needed to be in preschool this year. She's not even three yet, she gets along fine with others, she has other opportunities to be around other children, there's plenty of time to learn social skills, and she already knows everything they would teach a preschooler anyway. I feel like I can provide her good learning activities at home. So why would I put her in preschool? Well, we finally decided that because the one thing I can't give her is the gift of an easily-learned foreign language, we should shoot at the moon and see if she would be accepted to The International School. If that didn't work out, then no preschool until after our big move next year...which is hardly the best time for another big change like starting school. She was accepted right away, so that was that.

I am excited about all the possibilities this preschool presents to Ava. It's a Spanish immersion program, so she will be spoken to almost exclusively in Spanish by native Spanish-speakers. By May, my child may very well understand more Spanish than I do, even if she can't speak simple Spanish sentences yet. I look on with eager anticipation of that likelihood. What a blessing it would be for her to acquire a language effortlessly and be able to speak it without an American accent. (She may sound Venezuelan, but how cool would that be!?)

Ava is very enthusiastic about going to her "Spanish School;" I don't expect any crying on her part. I may tear up as I drive away, knowing that I'm entrusting her care and nurturing to someone else besides me for the first time. But it's going to be such a great thing for her...and for me too. Now I have the challenge of figuring out how best to spend those six free hours each week. Not such a bad problem! :)

A Day of Surprises

Ava got up at 7:10. Bright and early...and ready to take on the day. She wanted to get dressed immediately, which is wonderful when it rarely happens! So I pounced on the opportunity to get her dressed right away. A while later, I stepped outside to find that not only had the days and days of dreary rain given way to a crisp, clear mountain view today, but it had also changed to a chilly low 60s, at best! Well, Ava, time to change from your summer clothes to your new fall clothes.

Today we had to be somewhere for a breakfast event hosted by the families group at the law school. Those who know me know that I am traditionally late everywhere I go, at least by a little bit. Well, we agreed to meet the other couple in charge of the event shortly after 9:30, and lo and behold, we parked the car at 9:34! I managed to be ready for something in time to get there when we said we'd arrive! Amazing. (and rather sad, if I do say so myself...)

During the event, a member who had been visiting the same church we were visiting early last school year came up to us to ask if we'd heard the news over the summer. What news? Apparently the assistant pastor of that church had not only resigned in the spring for having a sexual relationship with one of the parishoners of the church, but he was arrested in July for possesion of over 100 pornographic images of minors on his computer. Plus (as if that weren't disturbing enough), he had installed some hidden cameras in his own home to videotape his babysitters (from the church!) using the bathroom or the hot tub, of which he had evidently graciously offered their use. SICK! (Ironically, his lack of ever remembering us as more than first-time visitors over a five or six month period is the reason I declared months ago that I would not go back to that church. Little did I know there was more wrong with him as a pastor than inattention to newcomers.)

After the event, I told Britt that we had no easy lunch foods at home, and I figured we should grab a bite out, perhaps with friends if we wanted to give someone a call. Just as we were parking the car at Bed, Bath, and Beyond to use the coupon that had been (surprise!) waiting for me in the mailbox this morning before we left, we noticed our good friends Josh & Lisa getting into their car right in front of us! Ding-ding! So we made plans to meet up in a few minutes for lunch after our respective errands.

Next thing you know, we're standing in line at Panera Bread when A MOUSE HOPS BY RAPIDLY TOWARD THE KITCHEN. That's right. A MOUSE. And just when I thought, No way... IT HOPPED BACK BY THE OTHER WAY RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. Lisa said he almost hopped on my foot as I approached the register to tell someone about the critter. I couldn't believe it. Then, wonder of wonders, I conjured up enough "new, improved self" to stay and eat there anyway, despite knowing that the health department would certainly not give Panera high marks if they came in right that moment. Trust me, it took some digging deep to stay put and stick it out on the premise that the bread is baked fresh daily and everything else is refrigerated.

On the way to Panera, I had noticed that Bath & Body Works is having the big hand soap sale right now. I usually convince Britt to let me take advantage of the 5 for $15 deal, but this time I figured it wasn't worth the conversation. We didn't have time anyway. Well, as we were leaving Panera, Lisa says to me, "Hey, could you use any hand soap? I noticed the sale at Bath & Body, but I don't need five soaps." Great! A split!

Happy surprise! Roses were looking good and on sale for only $6.99/dozen at Kroger when I went in for a quick trip during Ava's nap time and before Britt's impromptu golf outing late in the afternoon. Woohoo! Unfortunately, I was having to hurry so much to get back home to accept the childcare baton from Britt that I forgot to swing back by the rose bin to select my bunch on my way to checkout. Bummer.

Ava's nap was unexpectedly long, which allowed me to chat with Lisa on the phone while I put up groceries and then rested my ailing leg. And to add to her surprises for the day, Ava followed her nap with cheerful acceptance of a closet-cleaning project in my bedroom, during which she demonstrated to me (out of the blue) her ability to do a somersault, unassisted. Crazy. She's getting so big.

Okay, enough of the lame "surprises" for today. Time to delve back into my 512-page book (assigned for book club) in a probably vain attempt to finish before September 14th.