Craving kolaches

It's 5:22am, and I have no idea why I am wide awake. I shot up in bed out of a dead sleep about an hour ago. I was having dreams about fleas infesting some preferred possessions and my husband throwing them in the trash. My childhood security blanket and teddy bear were among them. What does it mean? Probably just that I'm preoccupied by fleas. So I tried to go back to sleep, but I was too hot to pull the covers up, and I don't usually have success falling asleep without covers.

So I got up and checked on the soapy pan of water in my bathroom that is supposed to be catching fleas. No captives. We probably don't have a bad enough infestation for this to work. (Thank goodness!)

So next I checked on the baby. Sometimes when I awaken for no apparent reason, it's because something is up with her. Usually it's because that pesky ear has folded over and suctioned to her head again. (It's shape is changing, as a result. So I peel it off and go back to bed.) To my surprise, she was wide awake playing quietly in her bed. I know all the books say wakefullness happens in a baby's sleep cycle, and that's exactly why you should bed-train them (otherwise they can't go back to sleep without crying out for you to put them to sleep in whatever manner they are accustomed to...rocking, swaying, feeding, etc.), but in all the nights I've checked on her, I have never found her so awake. Huh, I thought. I wonder if she does this every night and I just didn't know it.

Well, next item on the middle-of-the-night agenda is hunger management. I stood in the kitchen gauging my hunger levels (whether or not I would be able to go back to sleep without eating, or if I would be too preoccupied by my hunger), noticing the soft pink glow of approaching dawn. I haven't felt this one with the night since this time last year when I started night waking every night during my pregnancy. (Well, and all those nights when Ava was a newborn and needed many feedings, but we were functioning on the 24 hour clock at that point, and night was just like extended day, only dark.) I decided to opt for eating something. When I was pregnant, the fare of choice was usually mixed nuts. (I would sit on the couch in the dark, the nut can poised on my fat belly.) We don't have any nuts. I used them up in preparation for the move. So what can I eat that won't give me indigestion when I lie down again? Bread. Bread and milk, how 'bout. Down two slices and a glass of milk, all the while contemplating hot, fresh from the oven kolaches!! I seriously considered sneaking out to get some fresh kolaches, but I didn't want Britt to be alarmed that I was missing, and remember the baby is awake in there and would hear the door and get freaked out. So I had to stick with my boring bread and milk. But I've really been preoccupied by kolaches lately. I craved kolaches when I was early pregnant. Hmmm... Up in the night to eat, just like when I was pregnant. Craving kolaches, just like when I was pregnant. Too hot to sleep, just like when I was pregnant. Wanted a random corn dog with mustard (!) the other day, just like when I was pregnant (and I don't like mustard). This is starting to freak me out.

Actually, I've been paranoid lately that I'm pregnant again too soon after Ava and right before we settle across the country for law school on a small fixed budget and without a support network. (Poor dear friend Ginger, having to bear that burden alone!) I'm sure it's just that fear of the loss of a support network, starting anew in a place where I know only my child, my husband and my best friend. (That's quite a good start, however.) I told Britt the other night that I'm sure that's all it is, that I can imagine no scarier time to have no support system than pregnancy or cancer. (Cancer being admittedly way worse! I'll take untimely pregnancy to cancer any time.) If I were pregnant this soon, I'd be freaking out not just about the support thing, but that something must be happening to my body that requires me to have all my babies all of a sudden. (Like how my 33yo cousin came down with colon cancer out of the blue and ended up w/ a total hysterectomy; it was a good thing she'd had her 3 kids by then.) I am obviously a hopeless worrier. But my hair has been falling out by fistfulls daily since Ava was about 2 months old (maybe sooner but I was just too exhausted to notice).

You know, that's one thing about having been pregnant. Gas bubbles in your tummy can set off memories of those first tiny perceptible kicks of a growing baby inside you. Much more entertaining than just plain ol' gas. And that's yet another thing about my life that pregnancy changed forever. Gas.

Well, Ava finally went back to sleep. I've been in here typing for 45 minutes, and I'm still not sleepy. At least I'm not hot anymore. Still want kolaches, though. I'm still hungry. If I were pregnant, I could justify waking Britt up to go across town at 6am for kolaches. But, alas, I'll have to stick with yogurt or peanut butter crackers or something.